a n d e r s p o r t e r . c o m

The US presidential candidates are running all over the place, scratching and pawing at every possible kernel that could potentially burst open to reveal an opportunity to be heard or a chance to make some cash. Besides the fact that this time around each candidate has a Facebook page, a MySpace page and (yikes) a YouTube account, it pretty much is like it always is: career politicians at their finest, doing what they do best – campaigning. “I won’t raise taxes, I won’t go to war, I won’t have sex with anyone but my spouse, I won’t yadda yadda yadda.” And they go about their gathering of resources and funding to build their voter bases and gain their party’s nomination.

First of all, Rudy Giuliani and Judith Nathan(1). Hmm. Tiara thingy? Yes, tiara thingy. That should be quite enough, but I’ll add this: hers? or his? Let’s move on.

Barack Obama and Michelle Robinson (2). I like this one, sort of. I mean, I like the fact that they hired not the best photographer in the world, who made them stand in front of a shiny pillar, which obviously caught the flash a bit. But then, why is she sitting down? What’s that all about? Or is he standing on a box? Not liking that business. Maybe she’s a dwarf? I don’t know about this one.

Now on to John McCain and Cindy Hensley (3). She is absolutely stunning in this shot, he’s looking pretty dapper himself. Oh, but then you see all that masonic temple-like stuff in the background and realize that they probably tied the knot in some chapel right behind the base commissary or something, with a bunch of white-panted guys with swords drawn. Arrgh.

And then there’s (4) John Edwards and Elizabeth Anania. Hubba hubba. Despite the never appropriate ficus trees behind them and the “John whittled it in woodshop” cross, these two are super hot. Look at the eyes, look at the smiles. They seem to be actually in love as well. That’s a plus. So far, it’s these two, definitely.

Bill and Hill (5). First of all, when looking at any pictures of the Clintons in the early days, you can’t help but wonder how much Bill didn’t actually inhale and whether or not he didn’t actually inhale because Hillary was bogarting the joint. That being said, the pic to the left is pretty darned sweet, but the one above is a little too slick for me. Bill’s already having trouble keeping his hands to himself, and Hillary is already getting sick of him.

Now on to Mitt Romney and Ann Davies (6). This one is quite nice, actually. I like the eager look on his face, as they both gaze off into their future together. While certainly quite stunning, she does seem a bit concerned, however. It’s either the “is the part in his hair always going to be perfect” look or the “ahh shit, here comes like 5 years of being pregnant” look. I can’t tell which.

Moving right along, let’s have a peek at Fred Thompson and his daughter (7). Hee hee. Ha ha. Ho ho. Seriously, the shot is too tabloid or something, too Hollywood somehow. And to think that just twenty years earlier, she was sitting on his knee telling him what she wanted for Christmas. Again, hee hee. Ha ha. Ho ho.

Oh, yeah, baby: Mike and Janet Huckabee (8). This is without a doubt one of the best in the bunch. It’s like a Pink Floyd album cover, which should be enough in itself, but I read that he was very hungry during this photo shoot and so Janet’s mom made him a burger, which he ate in between shots. That’s simply adorable. And, hey – powder blue suit? You rock, Huckabee.

Dennis Kucinich and Elizabeth Jane Harper (9). This one could take hours. We not only have a bit of an age difference here (31 years), but there’s the height thing as well. He’s four feet three, she’s twenty-seven feet, eleven inches. So you understand why she’s sitting down AND he’s standing on a horse to make this picture work. And here we go again with a tiara thingy. I think that women who wear tiara-thingies at their weddings should be forced to carry a magic wand as well. They look happy enough, I guess, but it’s going to last through the campaign and that’s about it, unfortunately for the (knew each other for two weeks before they decided to get hitched) lovebirds.

This one is just too good to be true. Here are Ron Paul and Carol Wells (10), making their way through showers of rice as they head out of the church. This one could not have been planned any better and has all the makings of a Hollywood love story. Me like.

And here’s Tommy Thompson and Sue Ann Mashak (11). I love the Elk’s Lodge fireplace, love the bizarre wall decoration, and love her outfit. But that’s it. He’s managed to not quite tuck the speech that he’ll be giving in about 5 minutes all the way down into his pocket and certainly couldn’t be bothered to rent a suit or tux, opting instead to simply pin a carnation to the one he wore at the office all day. No, he’s not the guy, which is no big deal since nobody really knows that he’s running.

And last, but not least, Mike Gravel and Whitney Stewart (12). I like this one, but I don’t really know why. It’s not even a good picture. They both look genuinely happy, I guess is why. No foof, no goof, just a happy couple, that’s all.

The 6 or 7 (8? 9?) other candidates in the running have not had any embarrassing wedding photos leaked into Cyberspace yet, so I could not dig anything up.

So who gets the vote? Hard to pick just one happy couple at this point, so I’ll give you my top three presidential candidates, based entirely on their wedding pix: Mike Huckabee, John Edwards and Ron Paul, with Mike Gravel (who apparently calls himself Gruh-VELL, in order to differentiate himself from those extremely unpopular and annoying small rocks) pulling in an honorable mention.

Wow. That was MUCH easier than actually having to listen to them.